Washing machine meditation

There are people who meditate by sitting quietly in a place of comfort, becoming one within themselves, tuning out the world while using the sounds to calm and comfort.
I'm not good at meditation. I never have been. My mind doesn't like quiet and it most certainly is not calm. The only way to describe how my mind (feels) works like having a steam engine running down a hallway of doors. All the doors fly open, the engine roars, there is a great wind, momentary chaos, and then complete silence. Followed by a sense of  "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??!!!" This isn't how it always is, but this mental scenario happens almost hourly.  So, if there are times you are reading my blog and it suddenly makes no sense or the randomness is very sudden. That is why, the engine just roared in my hall of thoughts.
Having said this though, I do have a quiet place that I go and have moments of empty zoning out.
It's in my basement. My drippy, dank, dim, and sometimes smelly, basement. That is because, that is where the washing machine is. It isn't a very impressive washing machine. It's one of those one that just washes clothes, you might know the kind. You put the clothes in dirty, they come out clean. Right? Right.
It's a top loader, so there is no little window to stare through. Yet I do stare at my laundry, constantly. I would probably stay there for the entire cycle if my children weren't trying to kill each other in some way upstairs.  But, I do stare at it for a while.
I've always done this, even when I lived at home. There is something so peacefully about watching clothes swirl, swish, and suddenly get sucked down by the agitator. Then magically, they reappear again at the top again, waving as if to say "Hey, I made it!"  I've often wondered about why I find this so appealing. Why? Why the washing machine? As a kid, I loved water. I still do. I love how things look in the water, how water makes you feel so free and weightless. I love pictures of people and things floating in water.
My mom has told me, that she would let me play with the sink water. She would give me two cups, fill the dishpan halfway with water and then let me stand there. She also used to let me play in the tub when it wasn't bath time. She is firm in the fact that it helped me mentally through whatever I was dealing with as a kid, in my little world.
That's probably why, even today as an adult, I still turn to water for my quiet place. A place where things are free and suddenly time has no meaning.  That's why when we're at the beach, the day flies. Not because we're having fun, but because time no longer matters. The waves wash it all  away.
Having said this, I may have to buy one of those personal islands that are going up for sale due to the recession.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this relationship with their washing machine. I don't mind if anyone thinks I'm a loony.  It's cheaper than going for a drive to clear you head and the laundry has to be done anyway.

Nurse in at Target...

This is me discreetly nursing my now 10month old at the local Target. Three other moms showed up. We had a great time sitting and talking while nursing our babies on and off in the cafe area of the store. Right by the registers and entrance. There was a news crew outside that interviewed one of the other moms, but they weren't allowed in the store to get clips of us in action. The manager that was on (I actually used to work with) came over to say hi and tell us how happy she was that we chose her store to do this in. When she was being interviewed by the reporter I overheard her state "We are very excited to be part of this...". I am very happy that I participated and that if anything knowledge about this policy will be spread throughout all the Target stores.
I also just want to add, that if there is a nurse-in happening near you and you are for breastfeeding. You can go, even if you don't nurse your baby or if your babies are my age, please attend! The more support for the cause, the better.  The highlight for me was when a women in her 70's came over and told us that we were doing a great job and that she nursed all of her children.

tears

 just wanted to share this, because it's just proof I am 100% mom. 

My daughter has been sleeping in her crib since she was 7months. She just doesn't sleep well when we bedshare. My son did the same thing for a while and now he still sneaks into bed with us in the middle of the night. 

Well, even though she has been sleeping in her crib, I had left out the co-sleeper, set up next to my side of the bed.  Mostly in nostalgia and memories of peering over at my sleeping babes, but mostly in the hopes that she would soon again join our bed. It's been 3 months and she still sleeps in her crib. 

My husband told me he was going to take it down and put it away, especially since she is now too big for it. Well despite knowing this, when I went up to bed last night. I cried. I knew it was gone, but not seeing it next to the bed made my heart so full of emotion and I cried. I layed on my pillow looking at the nothing and cried. Part of me was angry at him for taking it down. But I can't blame him, it's mostly the fact that she is no longer my tiny babe. She is a crawling, eating, wannabe talker, growing up into a toddler. 

 I didn't cry when we took it down with my son, but for some reason this time, I just cried. 

::sigh:: 

The Target Issue

Mostly everyone is aware of what has happened recently at a Target store in TX. If not I have copied and posted the mothers statement below.

"Here is the lengthy official details feel free to cut and paste and share everywhere:

I'm not the best public speaker or the most educated or outspoken person in breastfeeding rights but I am a mom of 4 who has been harassed and humiliated by Target for nursing by infant in their store. I was Christmas shopping with a basket full of items when my infant woke up hungry, so I found a remote area of the store in the ladies clothing department close to the fitting rooms and sat Indian style on the floor next to my basket and a display of jeans and nursed my hungry baby with a blanket completely covering him. Briefly I will say that 2 women employees came and verbally asked me to move. The 2nd one told me that Target employees had been told/trained to interrupt nursing and to redirect mothers to the fitting rooms. Even after I informed the 2nd employee of my legal right to nurse in public she still suggested me moving closer to the jean display, turning to face another direction, and also turn my basket a certain way which would have put me practically underneath the jean display and totally barricaded me in. Employee #2 even said in a hint around but threatening way you can get a ticket and be reported for indecent exposure when nothing was being exposed and there was more boob showing from low cut shirts several shoppers were wearing that night. This does not include the other 3-4 employees besides the 2 verbal ones who were all watching and making a spectacle of my nursing by walking by standing around pretending to do something and giving me mean looks and shaking their heads no back and forth. In a side note not a single non-employee customer ever saw the incident so I'm not sure why the employees were trying to act like I was offending "the public" and that it was their job to step in. 

After I left the store I decided to call the Target corporate office and speak to a guest relations person to notify them of the situation and to suggest that they educate their employees as to the legal right I have to nurse in public. The phone call however took a turn for the worse. The lady (I wish I would have gotten her name) told me that she and Target were aware of our legal rights as nursing mothers, but that Target has different policies because they are a family friendly public place. I can't think of a more family friendly act than breastfeeding and providing the irrefutably proven healthiest diet to my baby. She continued to inform me repetitively that Target's policies were different than the law and even went as far to say several times that just because it is a woman's right to nurse in public even without a nursing cover like I was using doesn't mean women should walk around and I quote "flaunting it" and was extremely rude. I also talked to the supervisor of this rude lady and that didn't get anywhere either.

It saddens me that mothers are being treated this way as if breastfeeding is vile and offensive. If this would have happened to me with the first child I nursed I would have considered giving up on nursing due to embarrassment and that is what concerns me the most. I know that breastmilk is best and that nursing is hard work and a selfless act that mothers choose to do for their babies, and I would hate for this to happen to someone else causing them to give up on nursing. Please help me support the best nutrition for babies and to make a stand in support of nursing in public so this doesn't happen again."

I was upset by this on two different levels. The first is the fact that I have worked at a Target store for the past five years. I have been in the lower management bracket, I stepped down after having my children so I could work part-time and be able to devote my energies towards my children. As a employee, I was outraged. 

Verbatim from the Policy on breastfeeding

" Target's Breastfeeding Policy:

Guests may openly breastfeed in our stores or ask where they can go to breastfeed their child. When this happens, remember these points:

-Target's policy supports breastfeeding in any area of our stores, including our fitting rooms, even if others are waiting.

-if you see a guest breastfeeding in our stores, do not approach her.

-If she approaches and asks you for a location, offer the fitting room; do not offer the restroom as an option."

This store is apparently working on it's own set of policies according to the views of the managers and employees. This is ignorance at it's best.  The people on the 800 number she called should of known better than to comment the way they did. Though I can understand, because we have all seen the pictures on the 'People of Walmart' website where mothers have their entire breast exposed to nurse their baby. This is probably what the operator thought of despite what this mother was telling her. I have always gone out of my way to deal with guests appropriately and to the best of my ability. If I don't know what to do, I radio for help. That is what these team members should of done first. If the HR manager had been on, a few clicks on the computer would of been the answer and this situation would of never happened. 

Then there is the other side of the coin. I am furious over this as a nursing mother.  There are some who breastfeed that say they would never sit on the floor and nurse. I understand that. There are some who say they would just go out to the car. I understand. BUT that is missing the issue completely. If she had been sitting on the floor giving her baby a bottle, no one would of said a thing to her. 

It is a hard thing to switch the mindset about breastfeeding. There are still so many who feel that it is inappropriate or even sexual. (Breasts Function and Pleasure)

My opinion is simply this mothers should be able to breastfeed wherever and whenever they need to.

There is a line to draw when it comes to appearance when breastfeeding in public: the whole breast should not be exposed (this is hard to do with older babies).  There are covers that you can use when they are small or if you/they don't mind be covered up. But as the mother of one who does not like being covered up, you simply pull the shirt down to cover the part that is not in use. Leaving enough for the baby to feel comfortable and for you to feel comfortable. 

The other issue is the simple fact that if we can eat while we are shopping, if toddlers can snack and drink at will. Then infants who need both nutritional and emotional nourishment should be allowed to eat when they hunger, without having to be moved to an "appropriate area". 

This was the norm for centuries, our species would not of survived without it. Mothers and wet-nurses nursed the babies. Men and children were accustomed to seeing a baby nursing. And any husband/man you asked didn't think that the woman was any less attractive because she was nursing. Breasts are life bringers and nourishers, that is why they are attractive. 

I am not bashing bottle feeding mothers. I do bash how they feed their babies, I think very poorly of every mom who just props up the bottle for the baby to eat. This is horrible for the emotional growth of the infant. 

There is nothing more important than the development of the child. We should have a mutual respect for both breast feeders and the formula feeders. Both should be allowed to feed their child when it hungers and they should be allowed to feed the baby in whatever way is comfortable to the mother. 

And if it's ok for us to see women out in public with it ALL hanging out, then it's ok for a mom to nurse her baby with out without a cover.

Pumping Woes

To put it frankly, I hate pumping. I hate the whole process of having to sit down, relax, and let a machine do what my baby does best.  If I didn't have to work I wouldn't do it. Not even to have a reserve just in case.

But that is not what my life calls for despite all my wishing, I have to work and that means I have to pump. 

When I had my son all I had was a manual pump by Avent. It wasn't a bad pump and I did fairly well with it. I only pumped after working and now I know that is why I was never able to supply enough for while I was at work. The books that I had on breastfeeding only touched on pumping and didn't really offer much advice as to how to pump efficiently. I stopped pumping for him when my son decided he didn't want bottles anymore. We got into the routine of him waking up around when I got home from work and me mostly just taking him to bed with me and nursing there. 

With my daughter, I hunted for a good electric one. After she was born, I used it religiously. Every night after she went to sleep, I pumped. At first, there was nothing admirable. After a while, letting down became easier and even my husband was impressed. When I went back to work, I had a stash in our chest freezer as well as our upstairs one. I made one mistake though, I started to cut back on how often I pumped. The ounces lessened back to what they were in the beginning. Then my cycle started back up again. Hormones made it next to nothing. 

As my chest freezer supply is now gone, I am fighting to get more than 1ounce a session. Sometimes, it's not even that. Those ones I put a question mark on. I have started doing it every night again and am sad to say it almost feels like a waste of a storage bag. I know it isn't really, every little bit helps prevent my daughter from getting formula. 

I didn't really feel horrible about it, until I was talking to another pumping mom who was able to give 8ounces at a session. That was more than I was doing at my peek. It shouldn't be a contest of who can pump the most, but like with anything body related with us women, it just does. It's the same way when it comes to losing weight, hair, skin, etc. So how much milk one makes is in there as well. 

It's not that I'm not doing everything I can. I drink a pot of Mother's Milk tea every day, I take Fenugreek capsules with my daily vitamins and of course, water, water and more water.  Sometimes there is a soda or two mixed in there, but barely on a weekly basis. 

I haven't reached the point yet of buying the relaxing Cd's that are (supposedly) composed to help mothers let down, but I am eyeing the Milk Cookies and pondering if brewers yeast is as magically as some say. 

My trouble is that all pumping does is take the pressure off. Like defusing the bomb for a few more hours before the real experts come in. I've never been able to drain completely. 

What's funny to me in this circumstance, is hearing stories of women whose Doctors told them that pumping completely emptied the breast. I can't say how many times I've heard this lie. This opens up a while host of issues there. I understand why they think that, when there are women who can pump 8oz in a sitting. Sure, that's a lot and to them, there shouldn't be anything else in there. Which in most cases, isn't true. Pumps are fantastic and a life saver for working moms and babies. But, they only suck, they don't knead the glands the way a baby does. There also isn't a chemical bond between a mother and her pump. Sorry pump, I just don't love you that way. It is these combined that makes a breast the unmatchable food supply (for most). 

What's really funny, is that most of the time it is men who are delivering and teaching this nonsense. Men love their boobs, but they don't have any of their own to play with. They always have to borrow. And when it's not your own to play and experiment with, you just don't know everything about tit. 

lol. 

Wood Toy Wars

Once again I wake up and realize that another year has gone by and it is Christmas.......again.
Don't get me wrong, I love shopping for my kids. I love the game of 'will they really like this? or am I buying it because I like it?' and I love getting things that I know for a fact that my kids will enjoy.
There is just one problem. I want my kids to have wood toys and the rest of my family doesn't get it. Last year, my husband and I got into it because I wanted to buy a wooden toy kitchen for our son. My husband didn't want to spend that much. So I caved and we bought a plastic one. He spent the hours assembling it, snapping all the little plastic bits together, etc. When he was half way through, a place near us advertised a wooden one on sale for the cost of the plastic one. If he hadn't already spent hours working on it, I so would of taken it back.
This year, again, I want to get more wood toys for the kids.
Mostly because I am SICK of PLASTIC!! It breaks, cracks, and just doesn't hold up to my son. I want to throw out all of the plastic food we have and just buy the wooden version. If I had money coming out of my pores I would do it.
The trouble is also my family. I understand hard times, but they seem to think that more is more. Not to be the fussy reciever, but I'm the one stuck with all the crap the rest of the year. The cheap toy register that breaks at the first fight over it.
My husband doesn't help the situation, he just makes jokes about how we just shouldn't have anyone else over. Or that's why he didn't like other kids playing with his stuff cause they broke it all the time.
So, social recluse is the answer here? No thanks, I don't get out often enough as it is.
With this being said, you can now understand my elation at finding decent wood musical instraments for my kids at a discounted price. Yes, wood for the price of plastic. HOORAY!! I don't care if it seems lame, this is something that kids play with. Action figures don't see too much action in my house. They lay around the floor after one wrestling match. Then they are scooted around by my daughter in her adventures in crawling. My cook books see more action than some of these 'wonderful' plastic toys.
::sigh:: I had to get that out. I'm sure most moms agree that they would rather their hard earned money went to something that will last two kids for six months, at least. If anything I'm grateful my kids are February babies. Then I can scoop up all the clearance stuff that I wanted to get them.

The Family Bed

Our bed is a sad case.  When I was pregnant with our daughter, we found out that we were inheriting the queen size bed and bedroom set that was my husbands grandmothers. I was elated. We had been making due with our full since we got married. It was fine for just the two of us, but when our son was born, we soon realized that it was going to be a problem. He's not big on sharing and we were in the situation of losing sleep due to hands and feet invading our space.
My husbands cousin brought the set down for us and in my impatience, I made my husband set it up so we could sleep on it. Oh, did I mention we were also using the old mattress that came with it?? I didn't? Well, we were using the old mattress and to our dismay. We learned that grandma, in her old age (and stubborness) had developed a "leaky" problem which she denied. Well, to put it short. The mattress stunk. That's not even the right word. REEKED is more appropriate. I was sorry the first night. I didn't sleep well at all. As our bodies made the bed warm and toasty, the "fragrance" became stronger. My husband didn't smell it or at least claims not to smell it.
Due to my super heightened, pregnant nose, I smelled it and it kept waking me up.
I stripped the bed the next morning and sprayed it down with Febreeze. When that ran out, I mixed vinegar and water in the bottle, then sprayed it down. That helped a little. I then went out to the store and bought a plastic mattress cover and a soft one to put onto to decrease the crinkle noise. That helped and has kept it at bay since. (This is just a temporary solution until we can afford to buy a new mattress set.)
I did enjoy the comment our son made the first night though when he sneaked into our bed. I did the normal, grab and roll with him so that he was in between us. He was quiet for a few moments, then said "Daddy is at work?" My husband chuckled thus making our son say "oh! Daddy, I thought you went to work, but you right there."
When my daughter hit six months, we decided to move our room upstairs and make our room our sons. Our daughter sleeps in the nursery, since she isn't big on bedsharing right now. This presented the problem of getting our bed upstairs. The frame: no problem, the mattress: no problem, the boxspring: problem.
So my husband decided to cut it in half to fit it up our stairs. He then, reattached it and assured me that it was fine.
It lasted that night. Come morning, I think it was around 6:30, when all of us were in the bed. Daughter nursing, son sleeping, me and hubby dozing. The bed snapped in the middle popping us upright. That worked better than any alarm clock I've ever had. My husband joked that he was awake anyway. I joked that we now had a "Craft-matic Adjustable Bed" like from the info-mercials. He then proceeded into the basement to get his tools and while making 'Tim Allen' grunting noises, he re-fixed the bed.
It has since held up, but is starting to make creaking and popping noises again. Let's just say I am eager for tax return season and have high hopes of mattress sales this spring.