Washing machine meditation

There are people who meditate by sitting quietly in a place of comfort, becoming one within themselves, tuning out the world while using the sounds to calm and comfort.
I'm not good at meditation. I never have been. My mind doesn't like quiet and it most certainly is not calm. The only way to describe how my mind (feels) works like having a steam engine running down a hallway of doors. All the doors fly open, the engine roars, there is a great wind, momentary chaos, and then complete silence. Followed by a sense of  "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??!!!" This isn't how it always is, but this mental scenario happens almost hourly.  So, if there are times you are reading my blog and it suddenly makes no sense or the randomness is very sudden. That is why, the engine just roared in my hall of thoughts.
Having said this though, I do have a quiet place that I go and have moments of empty zoning out.
It's in my basement. My drippy, dank, dim, and sometimes smelly, basement. That is because, that is where the washing machine is. It isn't a very impressive washing machine. It's one of those one that just washes clothes, you might know the kind. You put the clothes in dirty, they come out clean. Right? Right.
It's a top loader, so there is no little window to stare through. Yet I do stare at my laundry, constantly. I would probably stay there for the entire cycle if my children weren't trying to kill each other in some way upstairs.  But, I do stare at it for a while.
I've always done this, even when I lived at home. There is something so peacefully about watching clothes swirl, swish, and suddenly get sucked down by the agitator. Then magically, they reappear again at the top again, waving as if to say "Hey, I made it!"  I've often wondered about why I find this so appealing. Why? Why the washing machine? As a kid, I loved water. I still do. I love how things look in the water, how water makes you feel so free and weightless. I love pictures of people and things floating in water.
My mom has told me, that she would let me play with the sink water. She would give me two cups, fill the dishpan halfway with water and then let me stand there. She also used to let me play in the tub when it wasn't bath time. She is firm in the fact that it helped me mentally through whatever I was dealing with as a kid, in my little world.
That's probably why, even today as an adult, I still turn to water for my quiet place. A place where things are free and suddenly time has no meaning.  That's why when we're at the beach, the day flies. Not because we're having fun, but because time no longer matters. The waves wash it all  away.
Having said this, I may have to buy one of those personal islands that are going up for sale due to the recession.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this relationship with their washing machine. I don't mind if anyone thinks I'm a loony.  It's cheaper than going for a drive to clear you head and the laundry has to be done anyway.

Nurse in at Target...

This is me discreetly nursing my now 10month old at the local Target. Three other moms showed up. We had a great time sitting and talking while nursing our babies on and off in the cafe area of the store. Right by the registers and entrance. There was a news crew outside that interviewed one of the other moms, but they weren't allowed in the store to get clips of us in action. The manager that was on (I actually used to work with) came over to say hi and tell us how happy she was that we chose her store to do this in. When she was being interviewed by the reporter I overheard her state "We are very excited to be part of this...". I am very happy that I participated and that if anything knowledge about this policy will be spread throughout all the Target stores.
I also just want to add, that if there is a nurse-in happening near you and you are for breastfeeding. You can go, even if you don't nurse your baby or if your babies are my age, please attend! The more support for the cause, the better.  The highlight for me was when a women in her 70's came over and told us that we were doing a great job and that she nursed all of her children.

tears

 just wanted to share this, because it's just proof I am 100% mom. 

My daughter has been sleeping in her crib since she was 7months. She just doesn't sleep well when we bedshare. My son did the same thing for a while and now he still sneaks into bed with us in the middle of the night. 

Well, even though she has been sleeping in her crib, I had left out the co-sleeper, set up next to my side of the bed.  Mostly in nostalgia and memories of peering over at my sleeping babes, but mostly in the hopes that she would soon again join our bed. It's been 3 months and she still sleeps in her crib. 

My husband told me he was going to take it down and put it away, especially since she is now too big for it. Well despite knowing this, when I went up to bed last night. I cried. I knew it was gone, but not seeing it next to the bed made my heart so full of emotion and I cried. I layed on my pillow looking at the nothing and cried. Part of me was angry at him for taking it down. But I can't blame him, it's mostly the fact that she is no longer my tiny babe. She is a crawling, eating, wannabe talker, growing up into a toddler. 

 I didn't cry when we took it down with my son, but for some reason this time, I just cried. 

::sigh:: 

The Target Issue

Mostly everyone is aware of what has happened recently at a Target store in TX. If not I have copied and posted the mothers statement below.

"Here is the lengthy official details feel free to cut and paste and share everywhere:

I'm not the best public speaker or the most educated or outspoken person in breastfeeding rights but I am a mom of 4 who has been harassed and humiliated by Target for nursing by infant in their store. I was Christmas shopping with a basket full of items when my infant woke up hungry, so I found a remote area of the store in the ladies clothing department close to the fitting rooms and sat Indian style on the floor next to my basket and a display of jeans and nursed my hungry baby with a blanket completely covering him. Briefly I will say that 2 women employees came and verbally asked me to move. The 2nd one told me that Target employees had been told/trained to interrupt nursing and to redirect mothers to the fitting rooms. Even after I informed the 2nd employee of my legal right to nurse in public she still suggested me moving closer to the jean display, turning to face another direction, and also turn my basket a certain way which would have put me practically underneath the jean display and totally barricaded me in. Employee #2 even said in a hint around but threatening way you can get a ticket and be reported for indecent exposure when nothing was being exposed and there was more boob showing from low cut shirts several shoppers were wearing that night. This does not include the other 3-4 employees besides the 2 verbal ones who were all watching and making a spectacle of my nursing by walking by standing around pretending to do something and giving me mean looks and shaking their heads no back and forth. In a side note not a single non-employee customer ever saw the incident so I'm not sure why the employees were trying to act like I was offending "the public" and that it was their job to step in. 

After I left the store I decided to call the Target corporate office and speak to a guest relations person to notify them of the situation and to suggest that they educate their employees as to the legal right I have to nurse in public. The phone call however took a turn for the worse. The lady (I wish I would have gotten her name) told me that she and Target were aware of our legal rights as nursing mothers, but that Target has different policies because they are a family friendly public place. I can't think of a more family friendly act than breastfeeding and providing the irrefutably proven healthiest diet to my baby. She continued to inform me repetitively that Target's policies were different than the law and even went as far to say several times that just because it is a woman's right to nurse in public even without a nursing cover like I was using doesn't mean women should walk around and I quote "flaunting it" and was extremely rude. I also talked to the supervisor of this rude lady and that didn't get anywhere either.

It saddens me that mothers are being treated this way as if breastfeeding is vile and offensive. If this would have happened to me with the first child I nursed I would have considered giving up on nursing due to embarrassment and that is what concerns me the most. I know that breastmilk is best and that nursing is hard work and a selfless act that mothers choose to do for their babies, and I would hate for this to happen to someone else causing them to give up on nursing. Please help me support the best nutrition for babies and to make a stand in support of nursing in public so this doesn't happen again."

I was upset by this on two different levels. The first is the fact that I have worked at a Target store for the past five years. I have been in the lower management bracket, I stepped down after having my children so I could work part-time and be able to devote my energies towards my children. As a employee, I was outraged. 

Verbatim from the Policy on breastfeeding

" Target's Breastfeeding Policy:

Guests may openly breastfeed in our stores or ask where they can go to breastfeed their child. When this happens, remember these points:

-Target's policy supports breastfeeding in any area of our stores, including our fitting rooms, even if others are waiting.

-if you see a guest breastfeeding in our stores, do not approach her.

-If she approaches and asks you for a location, offer the fitting room; do not offer the restroom as an option."

This store is apparently working on it's own set of policies according to the views of the managers and employees. This is ignorance at it's best.  The people on the 800 number she called should of known better than to comment the way they did. Though I can understand, because we have all seen the pictures on the 'People of Walmart' website where mothers have their entire breast exposed to nurse their baby. This is probably what the operator thought of despite what this mother was telling her. I have always gone out of my way to deal with guests appropriately and to the best of my ability. If I don't know what to do, I radio for help. That is what these team members should of done first. If the HR manager had been on, a few clicks on the computer would of been the answer and this situation would of never happened. 

Then there is the other side of the coin. I am furious over this as a nursing mother.  There are some who breastfeed that say they would never sit on the floor and nurse. I understand that. There are some who say they would just go out to the car. I understand. BUT that is missing the issue completely. If she had been sitting on the floor giving her baby a bottle, no one would of said a thing to her. 

It is a hard thing to switch the mindset about breastfeeding. There are still so many who feel that it is inappropriate or even sexual. (Breasts Function and Pleasure)

My opinion is simply this mothers should be able to breastfeed wherever and whenever they need to.

There is a line to draw when it comes to appearance when breastfeeding in public: the whole breast should not be exposed (this is hard to do with older babies).  There are covers that you can use when they are small or if you/they don't mind be covered up. But as the mother of one who does not like being covered up, you simply pull the shirt down to cover the part that is not in use. Leaving enough for the baby to feel comfortable and for you to feel comfortable. 

The other issue is the simple fact that if we can eat while we are shopping, if toddlers can snack and drink at will. Then infants who need both nutritional and emotional nourishment should be allowed to eat when they hunger, without having to be moved to an "appropriate area". 

This was the norm for centuries, our species would not of survived without it. Mothers and wet-nurses nursed the babies. Men and children were accustomed to seeing a baby nursing. And any husband/man you asked didn't think that the woman was any less attractive because she was nursing. Breasts are life bringers and nourishers, that is why they are attractive. 

I am not bashing bottle feeding mothers. I do bash how they feed their babies, I think very poorly of every mom who just props up the bottle for the baby to eat. This is horrible for the emotional growth of the infant. 

There is nothing more important than the development of the child. We should have a mutual respect for both breast feeders and the formula feeders. Both should be allowed to feed their child when it hungers and they should be allowed to feed the baby in whatever way is comfortable to the mother. 

And if it's ok for us to see women out in public with it ALL hanging out, then it's ok for a mom to nurse her baby with out without a cover.

Pumping Woes

To put it frankly, I hate pumping. I hate the whole process of having to sit down, relax, and let a machine do what my baby does best.  If I didn't have to work I wouldn't do it. Not even to have a reserve just in case.

But that is not what my life calls for despite all my wishing, I have to work and that means I have to pump. 

When I had my son all I had was a manual pump by Avent. It wasn't a bad pump and I did fairly well with it. I only pumped after working and now I know that is why I was never able to supply enough for while I was at work. The books that I had on breastfeeding only touched on pumping and didn't really offer much advice as to how to pump efficiently. I stopped pumping for him when my son decided he didn't want bottles anymore. We got into the routine of him waking up around when I got home from work and me mostly just taking him to bed with me and nursing there. 

With my daughter, I hunted for a good electric one. After she was born, I used it religiously. Every night after she went to sleep, I pumped. At first, there was nothing admirable. After a while, letting down became easier and even my husband was impressed. When I went back to work, I had a stash in our chest freezer as well as our upstairs one. I made one mistake though, I started to cut back on how often I pumped. The ounces lessened back to what they were in the beginning. Then my cycle started back up again. Hormones made it next to nothing. 

As my chest freezer supply is now gone, I am fighting to get more than 1ounce a session. Sometimes, it's not even that. Those ones I put a question mark on. I have started doing it every night again and am sad to say it almost feels like a waste of a storage bag. I know it isn't really, every little bit helps prevent my daughter from getting formula. 

I didn't really feel horrible about it, until I was talking to another pumping mom who was able to give 8ounces at a session. That was more than I was doing at my peek. It shouldn't be a contest of who can pump the most, but like with anything body related with us women, it just does. It's the same way when it comes to losing weight, hair, skin, etc. So how much milk one makes is in there as well. 

It's not that I'm not doing everything I can. I drink a pot of Mother's Milk tea every day, I take Fenugreek capsules with my daily vitamins and of course, water, water and more water.  Sometimes there is a soda or two mixed in there, but barely on a weekly basis. 

I haven't reached the point yet of buying the relaxing Cd's that are (supposedly) composed to help mothers let down, but I am eyeing the Milk Cookies and pondering if brewers yeast is as magically as some say. 

My trouble is that all pumping does is take the pressure off. Like defusing the bomb for a few more hours before the real experts come in. I've never been able to drain completely. 

What's funny to me in this circumstance, is hearing stories of women whose Doctors told them that pumping completely emptied the breast. I can't say how many times I've heard this lie. This opens up a while host of issues there. I understand why they think that, when there are women who can pump 8oz in a sitting. Sure, that's a lot and to them, there shouldn't be anything else in there. Which in most cases, isn't true. Pumps are fantastic and a life saver for working moms and babies. But, they only suck, they don't knead the glands the way a baby does. There also isn't a chemical bond between a mother and her pump. Sorry pump, I just don't love you that way. It is these combined that makes a breast the unmatchable food supply (for most). 

What's really funny, is that most of the time it is men who are delivering and teaching this nonsense. Men love their boobs, but they don't have any of their own to play with. They always have to borrow. And when it's not your own to play and experiment with, you just don't know everything about tit. 

lol. 

Wood Toy Wars

Once again I wake up and realize that another year has gone by and it is Christmas.......again.
Don't get me wrong, I love shopping for my kids. I love the game of 'will they really like this? or am I buying it because I like it?' and I love getting things that I know for a fact that my kids will enjoy.
There is just one problem. I want my kids to have wood toys and the rest of my family doesn't get it. Last year, my husband and I got into it because I wanted to buy a wooden toy kitchen for our son. My husband didn't want to spend that much. So I caved and we bought a plastic one. He spent the hours assembling it, snapping all the little plastic bits together, etc. When he was half way through, a place near us advertised a wooden one on sale for the cost of the plastic one. If he hadn't already spent hours working on it, I so would of taken it back.
This year, again, I want to get more wood toys for the kids.
Mostly because I am SICK of PLASTIC!! It breaks, cracks, and just doesn't hold up to my son. I want to throw out all of the plastic food we have and just buy the wooden version. If I had money coming out of my pores I would do it.
The trouble is also my family. I understand hard times, but they seem to think that more is more. Not to be the fussy reciever, but I'm the one stuck with all the crap the rest of the year. The cheap toy register that breaks at the first fight over it.
My husband doesn't help the situation, he just makes jokes about how we just shouldn't have anyone else over. Or that's why he didn't like other kids playing with his stuff cause they broke it all the time.
So, social recluse is the answer here? No thanks, I don't get out often enough as it is.
With this being said, you can now understand my elation at finding decent wood musical instraments for my kids at a discounted price. Yes, wood for the price of plastic. HOORAY!! I don't care if it seems lame, this is something that kids play with. Action figures don't see too much action in my house. They lay around the floor after one wrestling match. Then they are scooted around by my daughter in her adventures in crawling. My cook books see more action than some of these 'wonderful' plastic toys.
::sigh:: I had to get that out. I'm sure most moms agree that they would rather their hard earned money went to something that will last two kids for six months, at least. If anything I'm grateful my kids are February babies. Then I can scoop up all the clearance stuff that I wanted to get them.

The Family Bed

Our bed is a sad case.  When I was pregnant with our daughter, we found out that we were inheriting the queen size bed and bedroom set that was my husbands grandmothers. I was elated. We had been making due with our full since we got married. It was fine for just the two of us, but when our son was born, we soon realized that it was going to be a problem. He's not big on sharing and we were in the situation of losing sleep due to hands and feet invading our space.
My husbands cousin brought the set down for us and in my impatience, I made my husband set it up so we could sleep on it. Oh, did I mention we were also using the old mattress that came with it?? I didn't? Well, we were using the old mattress and to our dismay. We learned that grandma, in her old age (and stubborness) had developed a "leaky" problem which she denied. Well, to put it short. The mattress stunk. That's not even the right word. REEKED is more appropriate. I was sorry the first night. I didn't sleep well at all. As our bodies made the bed warm and toasty, the "fragrance" became stronger. My husband didn't smell it or at least claims not to smell it.
Due to my super heightened, pregnant nose, I smelled it and it kept waking me up.
I stripped the bed the next morning and sprayed it down with Febreeze. When that ran out, I mixed vinegar and water in the bottle, then sprayed it down. That helped a little. I then went out to the store and bought a plastic mattress cover and a soft one to put onto to decrease the crinkle noise. That helped and has kept it at bay since. (This is just a temporary solution until we can afford to buy a new mattress set.)
I did enjoy the comment our son made the first night though when he sneaked into our bed. I did the normal, grab and roll with him so that he was in between us. He was quiet for a few moments, then said "Daddy is at work?" My husband chuckled thus making our son say "oh! Daddy, I thought you went to work, but you right there."
When my daughter hit six months, we decided to move our room upstairs and make our room our sons. Our daughter sleeps in the nursery, since she isn't big on bedsharing right now. This presented the problem of getting our bed upstairs. The frame: no problem, the mattress: no problem, the boxspring: problem.
So my husband decided to cut it in half to fit it up our stairs. He then, reattached it and assured me that it was fine.
It lasted that night. Come morning, I think it was around 6:30, when all of us were in the bed. Daughter nursing, son sleeping, me and hubby dozing. The bed snapped in the middle popping us upright. That worked better than any alarm clock I've ever had. My husband joked that he was awake anyway. I joked that we now had a "Craft-matic Adjustable Bed" like from the info-mercials. He then proceeded into the basement to get his tools and while making 'Tim Allen' grunting noises, he re-fixed the bed.
It has since held up, but is starting to make creaking and popping noises again. Let's just say I am eager for tax return season and have high hopes of mattress sales this spring.

Do you Shake the Poop?

Did you know your supposed to shake the poop into the toilet, when using disposables?
I'm sure you didn't and I'm sure you never noticed the label on the diaper package. I never did. I have also noticed that in the past few years, the labels are starting to vanish. The one in this pic is of the store brand diapers. Huggies, Pampers, and Luvs no longer have this label on their packages. I searched their sites and only the Pampers website states that under 'Helpful Hints'. It's down at the bottom.
Some people might just shrug and say "So what, it's just a little poop." But lets think about this on a bigger scale here. The average NB has between 3-6 poops a day until they are on solids, between 4-6 months. So, that's roughly 675 poopy diapers. Then, once they are on solids, it's about 1-2 a day. So that's about 1095 poopy diapers.  That is a whopping 1770 poopy diapers that have been sent to the landfill in your childs diapering life. Now multiply that by EVERY baby out there right now. uh huh. Pretty gross.
Now think about this.
When it rains, water seeps into the landfills where these diapers have been sent and despite our best efforts, some does leach into our watershed. Pretty unnerved now? You should be. Poop is gross, but it belongs with all the other gross matter that gets flushed and sent to water treatment plants.  So, why not just flush it and send it where it belongs? Oh right, that requires extra work and you getting more up close and personal with the poop.
As parents, we get puked on, pooped on, and peed on by our kids, sometimes daily. Why are we so unnerved by number 2? This should be part of our standard procedure by now. 'Wipe poop off bum, dump poop in toilet, chuck/wash diaper."
We need to stop being chicken about this and just do it. I say,  SHAME on any diaper brand that doesn't label their diapers with this simple statement. Stop letting parents be lazy about this, poop belongs in one place and it isn't the garbage.

Breastfeeding stories

I'm having one of those days where I just feel like I'm under attack about breastfeeding and how I've done it. 

So, I have decided to tell the two very different stories of my two children, when it came to breastfeeding. One is still in the works, but is still very much so valid. 

My Son:  Our bonding relationship in general was off to a rough start due to how his birth was. I didn't get to hold him until he was cleaned up and wrapped like a baby burrito. I remember holding him and staring into his jelly looking eyes (due to the antibiotic eye ointment) and him staring back at me. I failed to nurse him during the crucial time after his birth. Later, the pressure was then on to get him to eat. I had nurse after nurse come in telling me that he had to nurse. I had lactation consultants coming in and fussing with my boobs and my baby. They drizzled formula on me to try and get him to latch on. By the time I left, he was nursing, but he was still sleepy and not really interested. 

At home, it took almost a week before my milk came it. The sweet sound of my baby gulping filled my ears. Then the misery started. He had a tucked in chin, making him resemble a baby bird, but also making it difficult for him to nurse. I suffered from cracked nipples that took weeks to heal. My left one is scarred from how badly it was cracked. With cracked nipples I suffered plugged ducts that turned into mastitis, leaving me useless and in bed with my baby shaking with cold chills. I struggled through nights of screaming as my son had emptied me and cried with hunger. I gave in a few times, giving him a bottle with the formula that 'magically' appeared at my doorstep. This would fill him up and he would sleep, then I would sleep. 

Pumping so the I could go back to work was challenging. I had a manual pump and I do not recommend them. I could barely get any out and we had to supplement with formula while I was at work. He took the breastflow bottle with his milk warm. It never seemed to bother him that it wasn't me. 

At 6 months, my son decided he didn't want bottles of any kind anymore. He ate only baby food and woke up when I got home from work. I would take him to bed with me and he nursed while I slept. 

He continued to nurse until he was 2. I nursed him through teething and a double ear infection that Christmas and then he never showed interest in it or asked for it again after. 

My Daughter: With my daughters birth, I was able to nurse her immediately after she was born. She suckled, not really interested in it for anything else but comfort. All she wanted to do was nurse. Her rooting reflex was beyond strong, with her going after anything that smelled like me or milk.  She has continued so far, making her demands quiet clear by head diving for it when I hold her. 

I am also working again, but this time with a dual electric pump. She doesn't like her milk warm and she doesn't like the breastflow bottle. It's almost as though she is saying "I know it's not mommy, don't even try to trick me." She hasn't ever been supplemented with formula and it hasn't 'magically' appeared at my doorstep. Coupons have, but not actual product. 

I am hoping that we will be able to continue as long as with my son. So far it is the lifesaver of teething. 

A postpartum problem

There were many things I read and was told about postpartum. Mostly it had to do with blood, clots, and having your privates feel like they were just run over by a tank.  I actually made the mistake after having my son, of inching up on my tippy toes so I could see how bad the damage was in the hospital mirror. (bending over wasn't an option yet)

My mother shared a story from my birth about how she was taking a shower, after she had me, and a clot the size of a quarter appeared in the shower stall. She screamed, a nurse came in to see what was wrong, then she literally picked it up and took it away. To this day my mother is not sure what was more traumatizing; the fact that it came out of her or that the nurse just picked it up like it was a quarter. 

Blood doesn't bother me. I'm one of those weird women who is actually happy to get my period now. In HS not so much, but then I also needed a bottle of Midol to make it though that week. No, now after having kids, I'm happy about it. I take it as a sign that my body is functioning like normal. It's kind of like having a light flash on saying "Everything is OK down here". And since I can't see all of "down there" I'll take anything that is a signal of normality. 

After my daughter though, things were not normal. The initial bleeding and swelling went away after about 2weeks. But it was followed by pain. I didn't really pay it any mind, because after all, I did just stretch everything to it's limit. So I didn't worry much. Until the romance started coming back into our lives. Then it was a problem. 

I don't know how to describe it other than a widespread, abdominal, sometimes sharp, mostly dull pain. When I went in to get it checked out, I cried when the midwife used the speculum and winced when she prodded my lower belly. This hurt more than birth. She said it looked fine and to just rest some more. I went after a month to see an OB (a male) and he was pretty much well non-sympathetic to it. Almost to the point that it was like I was making it up as an excuse not to be intimate with my husband.

 I'm sorry, but I don't need a new excuse, having two kids that sometimes don't sleep, is enough. Thank you. He prescribed a estrogen cream and gave me a sample to try. I tried it. Then I read in the side effects that it's not supposed to be used while breastfeeding. So I chucked it. No Hormones for me. 

Another month passed and I decided to go and see the female OB that I went to during my first pregnancy. She was great as an OB for yearly, etc, but I wasn't big on her when it came time to birth. Which is part of the reason why I had switched. 

I made an appointment and felt waves of nostalgia as I walked up to the building (which they have (sadly) now torn down to expand the hospital side.)  She listened as I explained my problem and how I had seen another OB and how I was prescribed estrogen cream and my hesitation to use it. She took a peek and then we talked some more. One of the reasons I liked her so much is because she dumbed down the medical lingo for us non-medical folks. (I don't like having to google everything) She told me that the skin had atrophied, which simply means it is thinner and more sensitive than it used to me. She talked about how this is something that happens to women when they hit menopause and that that is why I was given the cream. 

I'm not in menopause, I just had a baby. 

She then started asking me questions about my life, if I was sleeping, working, taking my vitamins, etc. Then she specifically asked if I was taking enough iron. 

No. I had stopped taking it simply because I had run out and just didn't think I needed it anymore. 

She then said something that every OB needs to say to their pregnancy, postpartum, and nursing moms. 

"You need to take your iron. You need to rest. Don't worry about the baby weight until a year. Give yourself time to heal and don't try being a super mom."

I couldn't believe that I had even thought that I didn't need it anymore. That was the one thing she and my midwives had pounded into my brain while I was pregnant. Take your IRON. Eat your proteins. The fact that your not pregnant anymore doesn't mean you can stop. 

Simple Lessons learned the hard way. Sine I've been taking my iron, my problem has vanished for now. We'll see what happens after the next one and what my life is like when I hit the big M. 

Party at the Crib

For the past two months, my darling daughter has been waking up at night. Sometimes this is once a week, the past two weeks, it has been three times too many.  The time that she wakes up varies as much as when she wakes up. Usually though, it's when I'm done for the day and getting ready for bed. I usually let her squawk for a few minutes. She does wake up in the night, let out a few cries, then goes to sleep. So I just wait to see if she's grunting out a fart or if she is really awake. 

If I realize she is really awake, I hurry, brush my teeth, wash face, and get in there before it turns into screaming hysterics. I pick her, sit in the rocking chair, and nurse her. There have been a few rare nights where she goes to back to sleep and I get to go to bed. Most times, she nurses and then proceeds to either play or scream. Mostly it has been the latter. Now mind you, my daughter is now 9months old. I was pretty sure this stuff only happened in the first few months. I endured this with my son and my husband found me many times in tears in the nursery, rocking him while he just screamed.  

I have also ended up in tears many times with my daughter. 

It wouldn't be so bad if she was just screaming and crying relentlessly. She has started grabbing anywhere that skin is showing and pulling at it until she loses her grip, scratching in the process. I keep her nails short, but even short nails hurt horribly. 

This whole endurance test has lasted up to 3hours. There have been two mornings (that I remember) where I was still awake when my husband woke up to get ready for work. 

The worst part is that she doesn't sleep in after being awake for 3hours in the middle of the night. Knowing you are going to be getting only 3-4 hours is a horrible reality sometimes. 

This past time, I just gave up, turned the light on and let her play on the floor of her bedroom. I sat in the rocking chair and dozed lightly while she threw her blocks across the floor. After half an hour of this, she crawled over rubbing her eyes.  I shut the light off, nursed her and she promptly went back to sleep. 

Half an Hour. 30mins. 

Not 3hours of intense mental breakdown and hearing loss. 

I felt so stupid. Why didn't I do this sooner?? Why was I torturing myself this way, by making her do something she just didn't want to do, but that I wanted her to do so desperately? 

This was a simple lesson to me as a parent. That despite everything that we may try to make our children do, they are their own person and have their own ideas and will. All we can do sometimes as parents, is just step aside and be there when they need us. 

At least now I know how to get more sleep at night and how to end it peacefully without tears. 

Sugar Dance

Sugar. The bane of almost every parents existence, at least of those that care about their kids.
Sugar is a topic of constant debate in my home. Should I put sugar in the cookies or should I use the Agave/honey? If it is up to my husband, sugar wins out. My son eats them with or without sugar. The only difference is that when he has had sugar, he does a Tasmanian Devil dance through the house. Pillows, blankets, sofa cushions, and toys are rendered asunder and left in his wake. He crashes into the walls, chairs, dining room table, and even crashes on the hardwood floor in a way that would normally send him into tears. But the Sugar pumping in his veins sends him in a flurry again.
The bigger problem is that I am as much of an addict as my son. Only I don't go into a destructive fury, I do laundry or clean. I know I am a sugar addict, I wake up some mornings with a hangover that would make grown men cry and avid espresso drinkers shake. Gratefully this is not everyday.  My husband doesn't seem phased by sugar. He may get spurts of energy from hot chocolate, but mostly he falls asleep after a bowl of ice cream. If I have one,  I'm up until midnight, feeling like the squirrels you see trying to cross the street. Jittery, scared, and borderline insane.
I hate sugar. I have plenty of sugar free, applesauce, honey, blue agave recipes. Some of them I created myself, others I've found. But I can't seem to be rid of the stuff. It is always sneaking back into my house in the form of chocolate chips, brown sugar, or just pure granulated.  I do my best to limit it since I can't seem to get rid of it. My children are fine without it. It's me that is shoving chocolate chips into my mouth while doing laundry in the basement. It helps me through the insanity of having kids. Some women turn to wine, I have my chocolate chips. I guess wine is more refined sounding, but I would be drunk by the time bedtime came around and "If you give a mouse a cookie" doesn't sound good slurred. Though some Dr. Seuss might.

Autism and the Amish: part 1

**Disclaimer: I am not a Doctor. I do not have all the facts. I am not trying to cure anything.**

I have done some reading on this, since my curiosity was piqued while watching "Down on the Farm" part of  The Business of Being Born 2.  In the movie Ina May Gaskin made the claim that the Amish do not have Autism and that they have not had a single case of it on The Farm. Some sources I have read state that there is Autism in the Amish communities, but not to the extent of which it is in the rest of the modern world.  It has reached frightening statistics in the US.
We are talking about 1 in 110 are diagnosed nationally with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). 1 in 90 of these are boys.  It is no wonder parents are clambering for any kind of answer. Yet, my question is now. Does it have to do as much with vaccines and environment as it does what happens during pregnancy and birth? In this part, the Amish seem to have the answer since they have few to no cases of it in their communities.

Here are the basics of the Old Order Amish. They don't have electricity, they go by horse and buggy, do not attend public school, do not educate past 8th grade, do not vaccinate,  do not let pictures be taken of them, and they do not talk to us "English". There are some sects of Amish who are more open to modern things, who go as far as to send cards, ride in cars, see modern Doctors, and have farm stands to sell there goods. My mother has bought Amish Doughnuts and other produce from their stands.

So adhering to the standard, the women birth in their homes/beds with no medication, no fetal monitoring. Nothing.
To some this is medieval, to others what happens in hospitals is cruel torture. But if these statics are true, then that speaks louder than words.

To quote out of the first link.

"So far, from sources inside and outside the Amish community, I have identified three Amish residents of Lancaster County who apparently have full-syndrome autism, all of them children.
A local woman told me there is one classroom with about 30 "special-needs" Amish children. In that classroom, there is one autistic Amish child. Another autistic Amish child does not go to school.
The third is that woman's pre-school-age daughter."  The Age of Autism: The Amish anomaly
By Dan Olmsted

3 in a community of hundreds? Thousands? And this is just one community, what is this statistic if we combine all of the communities? This makes autism become that rare odd disease, that genetic blip, rather than something that is becoming prevalent and scaring the living crap out of parents.

 I'm going to say here that I know the Amish do have their own set of issues. Due to the closed nature of their groups, there has been inbreeding and it has brought several genetic issues to the front, explained below.

 "Genetic diseases: Some Amish groups have a very limited gene pool. For example, the vast majority of Amish in Lancaster County, PA, are descendents of about 200 Swiss citizens who emigrated in the mid 1700s. Because they traditionally do not marry outsiders and because few outsiders have joined the order, the "community has been essentially a closed genetic population for more than 12 generations." Thus, intermarriage has brought to the fore certain genetic mutations that were present in the initial genetic pool (as they are in any population), making the Amish host to several inherited disorders." ₅ These include dwarfism, mental retardation and a large group of metabolic disorders. One in 200 have glutaric aciduria type I; they are born healthy, but can experience permanent neurological damage when a mild illness strikes. From 1988 to 2002, the Clinic for Special Children in Lancaster County, PA, has "encountered 39 heritable disorders among the Amish and 23 among the Mennonites.....For 18 of the disorders seen regularly at the clinic, the incidences are high, approximately 1/250 to 1/500 births" ₆ 

I'm not going to run off and become Amish, but apparently there is something to be said for the purity of their birth practices. They could use some fresh genes in their pool, but genetics aside. We are talking about a mysterious disease that is ransacking our children and stealing them away from us. Parents sob daily in Doctor's offices around the country, as their hearts break to hear the word 'Autism' come from the Doctors mouth. Others sink hundred of thousands on care, treatment, hopes, and heartbreak.
This is a modern reality. Yet, if in these communities there is but a blip of Autism. Than that speaks volumes.
 And it goes back to what I said in some of my posts from last year. During our pregnancies, we are told what to eat, what to avoid, what is safe and when we go into labor: it's all out the window. There is no dose monitoring as to what is safe for the infant, as it is also being pumped with whatever is being given to the mother. We are talking medicines that have not been tested to see how they affect infants. Some don't even have a set safe dose, it goes by the Doctor. And then, to have them be exposed to it for hours while the mother is laboring. Is one day of discomfort and pain too much to give for a healthy baby, especially after nine months of carrying a child that is soon to be the center of your world as soon as you two make eye contact.  

Be Aware and be Wary.

Sources:
The Age of Autism: The Amish anomaly
Myth "The Amish don't have Autism"
Autism in Amish
The Amish
What is Autism | Autism speaks

 I am going to keep delving into this mystery, hence why this is titles 'part 1'

The Co-sleeper and the Crib-sleeper

The biggest difference between my children is where they sleep. This isn't how I wanted it to be, I had envisioned either a huge family bed or them in their own beds.
 I started them both out the same way. For the first few weeks, they both slept on my chest. Then, when they learned how to nurse laying down, they both nodded off with my breast as a chin pillow. I have many many fond, shadowy memories of them that way. Then, slowly I moved them into the mini co-sleeper I have attached to my bed. My son never lasted long in it, so it always ended up being a place to store my water bottle, books, and other things.  My daughter slept soundly in the co-sleeper, sometimes through the night. Nap time, I nursed them both to sleep on our bed, then silently, slinking away I left them there with pillows on either side. At 6 months, I started putting them to sleep in the crib in the nursery. With my son, he would wake up around 11pm , I would get him and nurse then slip into milk-drunk slumber. My daughter would wake, nurse and then proceed to scream for an hour with me on the last nerve by the time she fell back to sleep.
My son has since been in the habit of sneaking out of his bed at night and into ours, oddly in the same routine we had when he was in his crib. When I was pregnant, I tried to break him of this habit. Mostly because he was a restless sleeper and I was worried he would slap, kick, and roll onto the new baby. This worked to no avail. It ended up with several nights of him actually waking completely and then hiding under the dining room table.
I am not a fan of 1am hide and seek.
So, I gave up in favor of sleep.
I had the baby, and things went according to above. Only with her, he was in the bed between my husband and I, while she lay sleeping on the safe side of me. There were a few things that changed quickly. She learned how to roll over quickly and creep. She fell off the bed twice in her trek towards my husbands alarm clock. Then she started being more restless at night, either waking and nursing constantly or just waking and crying. Needless to say, she took to the crib quickly. No disturbances, no snoring, and quiet. So apart from a few nights where she wakes due to teething or gas, she sleeps in her crib. While my son is snuggled up against me every night.
I'm sure this will change when she is no longer in her crib. But only time will tell that.

Business of Being Born: Down on the Farm

Just watched it with one of my BF's and I have to say, that I LOVED it. Obviously. I want to meet Ina May Gaskin.........so badly. Road Trip tomorrow if it were possible. She has so much love for what she does and such a desire for helping to inform and change how women view pregnancy and birth. She is brilliant.

There was one thing that she said in the movie that just took me totally by surprise and I want to find the actually statistic for it somewhere now and put it here. She claimed that there is no Autism in Amish communities where women give birth in their beds and that there hasn't been a single case of it on The Farm, where she works.
wow.........just wow. That made me stop and think.
Hold on! NONE!? But then that goes to some of the things I posted earlier (much earlier) when I was pregnant about the medications that they give pregnant women in labor. Most of them have no FDA legal dosing, so the Doctors are just winging it and the dose is different per Doctor.
Then there is ultrasounds. It's been proven that when you apply ultrasounds to some cells they enlarge and change.
What are WE doing to our babies in the medical communities??
I just had to write about his quickly. I am exhausted, but fear not there will be more.

The Ammonia Slap

Since it's on my mind right now (because I have my diaper inserts in the washer soaking in hot water as I am writing this), it's going to be my first topic.

I have had a love/hate relationship with my microfiber inserts since day one of using pocket diapers. I loved how absorbent they are, but I hated that they stink easily. And when I say stink I mean 'Ammonia Slap!' stink. I didn't have this problem with my son, but I also used prefolds and gauze flat folds with him. I have been trying desperately to figure out why they stink so bad. I thought it was my washing routine, so I changed that. Nope. Thought maybe it was the detergent I was using, so I now have each CD safe detergent you can buy off of 'Kelly's Closet'. Nope. It has now ended with me having to soak and strip my inserts at almost every single wash.
This is not why I do cloth diapering. I do cloth diapering for the easy factor. The not having to shower, dress, pack up the kids, drive to the store and buy diapers factor. Because really, no one cares that I am outside hanging diapers up to try in my pjs, at two in the afternoon. Especially me.
So this has been the bane of my cloth diapering for the past three months. And mind you, I don't cheat unless I have the rash from heck. My daughter is in cloth even at night.
Then I read something that has brought great, IMMENSE relief to me and answered my question of WHY my inserts stink and slap me in the face when I change a diaper or dump them into my washer.
Microfiber is a polyester fiber. Polyester is made from oil. Microfiber is also man made, it doesn't occur naturally. There is no microfiber tree/plant that people go pick it off of and weave it into something usable.  So basically, by using microfiber, I am expecting something made of oil to absorb a water like fluid. Oil doesn't like water and microfiber doesn't like to let water flow through it. (Very scientific, I know.) So this is the reason my inserts stink! Despite my desperate attempts at washing and rinsing and soaking. PHEW!! I thought I had suddenly developed stupid or something.
So, after the holidays, maybe even before since I really am sick of this. I will be attacking the 5yds of hemp my friend is so kindly going to let me have some of. I'm going to cut it into really long strips that can be folded over themselves for greater absorbency and commence with the washing. Why hemp? Hemp is more absorbent that cotton and I have never ever had an ammonia issue with my hemp inserts. Especially now that they are completely fluffed up. They last up to 6hrs for me, another layer and I foresee awesome night time absorbency and dry mornings in my future.

And I think I'm going to leave this one open with a question. Have you experienced the Ammonia Slap? How did you resolve it?

End of the hiatus...

Or laziness I should say. I had every intention of continuing religiously after I had my daughter. And you see how well that went.
But, I am going to try my hardest from here on to blog, to rant, to vent, and to discuss. Maybe even inform, not sure yet.
Now on to my biggest problem, picking one of the millions of things that has come to mind over the past months and one of the millions of articles, blogs, that I have read to comment on or review in my own way.

Now where to start.............

My daughters gift

Those of you who have been following along for a while, might have an idea of what these are. For those of you who are just joining in my madness, these are my placenta pills.  I've been taking between one to three a day since I got them. These isn't a prescribed way to take them, it's mostly based on how you feel. Bad days, take more, good days, take less. They have a bit of a funny smell to them, but no worse than any other vitamin (not that I go around smelling vitamins).  I've been taking them for about three weeks now along with the iron tablet I was taking while I was pregnant.  I can't tell you how wonderful it has been. Sure there have been hard days, mostly it's just learning how to deal with two kids and really wanting to get out and work this baby weight off.  But, I can tell you I would not be this functional if I wasn't taking these and the iron. When I was three days post, I crashed. My mood crashed, my energy, everything.  (This was before they were finished.) I cried because my husband had burned the risotto. Yes you read that right, I wasn't cooking. I had started the meal and my husband took over because someone else was demanding food.  Well, he partially burned the butternut squash risotto I had started. It wasn't ruined, it just started to stick to the bottom of the pot. But that was enough to send me to our bedroom in tears. So, going on that trend, I don't think I would be functional without these vitamins. I'd probably be found in the bathroom crying because we were out of Kleenex or something else stupid. (Not deodorant though, I do cry when I run out of that.)

Cloth diaper mental mayhem

I've been cloth diapering our daughter since her cord stump fell off. It's been a mish-mash of what was left that was usable in our stash from our son. I have four pocket diapers that are different brands (Kawaii baby, Coolababy, Sunbaby, and Babyland), I have the Dappi's rubber pants in size newborn which the elastic is stretched out on, I had bought some of the Dappi's size small velcro cloth diapers and I have one diaper cover by Flips (which also makes BumGenius). Gratefully my daughter has chunked up enough that we decided to go ahead and order a new stash of pocket diapers, the trouble was, which one????
With our son, I used a system of wraps and just used the Gerber cloth diapers. Towards the end I had attacked the Gerbers, sewn them together and created a contoured cloth diaper. Also, in my learning curve I had ruined four wraps by Bummis, which, surprisingly, wasn't that hard to do. But it was still money that went down the toilet and I ended up throwing them out. Which sucked because they were SOO Cute!

Now knowing what detergents are safe and how to wash them properly, I am ready to go into the world of pocket diapers. Which are awesome because they go on like a disposable, you pull out the insert when dropping it in the dirty pail, wash, dry, stuff, REPEAT! Love it! I love cloth diapering!  My dilemma was, which ones to go with? One of my friends love BumGenius, which I love too, but we just weren't ready to shell out over three hundred for cloth diapers. I love the Snazzy Minky Kawaii baby diaper, it's super absorbant, cute, but it's bulky as heck (huge diaper butt here!) and the legs and waist don't fit right. If you have the right fit on the waist, it's too tight on the legs, to the point of leaving red marks. The other three are nice, very nice actually, but they are made in China. Now this is where it got sticky with me. Do I order the American made diapers and pay twice as much? Or do I pay around $150 and get the same amount of diapers with similar quality? For about three days I had a headache because of this. In the end I went with the Coolabay diapers, bought on e-bay, made in China and I'll tell you why. Everything is made in China! The clothes I put on my kids are chinamade, my clothes are and so are my husbands. I pretty sure half the crap in our house is too. So, why feel guilty about it? I know, work conditions, pay, yadda yadda........but if I'm going to be a stckler about where the diapers are coming from, shouldn't I be about everything? Honestly. The point of cloth diapering is about saving money and the enviroment, which I can do with these diapers. So why the guilt trip? Because there are so few things that you have this much of an option with, that tells you where something came from. If I was shopping at a store that had a rack of American made clothes, same style, in with clothes made in other countries. I'd do my best to buy American made. Yet, if that shirt cost twice as much as the others, I'd think twice. Why? Because, like thousands of others, I'm not rich. I'd splurge on occasion and get the american made, but not if it meant putting myself in debt.

So with that being said, I guess I am a true American, I buy imported, made some where else, things. But I'm saving the enviroment...........that counts right?  Oh well, at least the diapers are cute.

My Second

If you haven't guessed by now, the reason why I haven't written anything in two weeks is because I had my baby.  That and the lack of access to a computer without one of my kids needing me.

That Saturday was pretty uneventful. Needing to get out of the house, we went to the mall and did some window shopping and walking. Later we ordered pizza and wings and then watched a movie before calling it a night.  Around 11pm, I woke up to a strange pressure/pop feeling. I stayed still wide eyed, trying to figure out what just happened. "Did my water just break or was that my hip?" Since there wasn't a gush, I closed my eyes assuming it was my hip. Later I rolled over and then there was the gush. I bolted out of bed into the bathroom, expecting the all out waterfall I had had with my son. This was a trickle, maybe a cup of water and then nothing. I got stood up thinking that moving would get more to come out. Nope. Standing did get the contractions going though. The first and second came one on the other before they got into a pattern. After they were over, I went back to the bedroom to tell my husband that I was in labor. He almost didn't believe me. I then called one of the midwives to tell her my water had broken. She asked me to time the contractions and call back in 20mins. We timed them, they were between 3-5 mins, I called back and she said they were on their way.
So far they weren't very strong, I could talk through them, walking made them more intense, but not enough to make walking impossible. The midwives arrived around 11:45pm and we sat and talked for a bit. I sat sipping Red Raspberry tea and womens blend while my poor husband struggled to get the hose to work with the faucet, no luck. He couldn't get it to stay tight enough to create enough pressure to send water through the hose.  He started bucketing water into the pool. Once we ran out of hot water, we all decided that rest was a good idea. Not knowing how fast or slow my labor was going to be.  The midwives dozed in our sons toy room, which has two guest beds. I was on the sofa, my husband on the love seat.

Around 3am, I got up not able to sleep or even rest during them. I had gotten up several times to use the bathroom, mostly just ending up sitting there through the contractions. I found myself in the kitchen when transition hit. I had been thinking about food, if I was hungry enough to eat and then what to eat. Cereal, yogurt?  After having two that I had to vocalize through, I headed back to the bathroom. I became stranded there with them coming closer and closer and much more intense. I had to add to what vocalizing I was doing. My husband came in and started rubbing my back, I asked him to get one of the midwives.  I had just hit a place I'd never been before and was worried if I would be having the baby soon or have four more hours of this. She came in and listened to me for a min, then she listened to the baby's heartbeat. She asked if it was ok to check me. I said sure and pryed myself off the toilet, slowly making it back to the living room. My husband had started his bucket filling of the pool again, this time enlisting the help of our giant pots. I lay down on the sofa so she could check me. Surprise filled her face as she said "OH! Hi baby." She smiled and told me I was fully dilated.  When I sat up the next contraction doubled me over into a hunch as I felt the sudden urge to push. (They weren't kidding when they coined that sentance!)  I moaned out " I need to push....!" The second midwife jumped into action.  They assesed the pool situation and despite my husbands best attempts, it wasn't half yet. So, they set up shop right there on the floor. Chucks pads galore. With the contractions almost one after the other, I draped myself over one our footstools in a supported squat. It felt soooo good to push. I pushed to where I couldn't stand the burn and then panted it out, letting myself stretch to let baby out.  As soon as it was beyond intense it was over. They caught her and placed her between my legs. I picked her up and sat down in complete awe. I had done it! I had my baby at home, she was healthy pink and let out a nice sqwak. She nursed while we waited for the placenta, then they cut the cord.

My mother-in-law (who had been there the whole time) heard the whole thing through the grate in the living room ceiling that led to the upstairs guest room. After realising that she had heard it all, we asked if she wanted to come down and meet her granddaughter. She rushed down and we all celebrated, quiet as possible because my son was still asleep in bed. After the celebrating, one midwife asked if we wanted to see the placenta. She showed us the maternal side (that was connected to me) and the infant side. The amneotic sack was still intact and she showed us the hole from which the baby had come out of. (I wish we had thought to take pictures.) We donated the cord and they took the placenta to encapsulate it for me. My husband called my parents who were wide awake at 4am for whatever reason.

The midwives hung around after I was tucked into bed in case something happened. I drank two cups of Red Raspberry Leaf tea before I fell asleep. When my son woke up, my husband brought him into our room to meet his new sister.  Still high from the experience, we were visited by friends and family while the phone rang off the hook.

A most happy experience that I would love to repeat.

I have to thank Mother Nature for trying to help me have this baby.  All the snowstorms and weather changes we've been experiencing have created a great barometric pressure roller coaster that is helping all sorts of cramping and contractions to happen.  Unfortunately nothing has "happened" yet.

My living room has been partially transformed into a birth room. The furniture is rearranged and my husband set up the pool. I've sat in it, draped myself over the side, etc. Just trying to visualize myself having the baby in it.  We have flannel bedsheets set aside to be hung from the doorways and a space heater to make it nice a toasty in that part of the house.

Thursday I had a great false alarm. I actually called my midwives to let them know that I might be having the baby, but everything died out after I went to bed.  It was a good test run though, now I know how much shorter my patience is when they are happening. Though it was odd because that whole day it was almost as though my son knew something was going on. He was hyper and completely underfoot the whole day. Which is how he gets when he knows someone is coming over, we're going out somewhere, or if he'd somehow snuck one too many cookies when I wasn't looking.

My mother in law came down to help ease my poor husbands mind. He is the only manager working the opening shift this weekend and he was becoming paranoid that I was going to have the baby. It's not that he worried he's going to miss the actual birth, he just doesn't want me to be alone when everything starts to happen. I don't want to be alone either, but with the way the weather has been I was starting to convince myself that I might have to deal with that as a reality.  So after Thursdays "test"  she said that she would come down one day early, she had already requested about two weeks off to be available if we needed help. Which, with two more snow storms (todays and one on sun/mon) I'm glad she did. I'm really starting to think this one is going to come on it's date too, but just in case. Babies have a habit of coming when they are ready, to heck with everyone else.
The only downside is that my husband and his mom, banter, a lot, over just about everything. That's the kind of relationship they have. He makes comments about how she doesn't do something right, she attacks back with "Well, this is how I've done it since you were a kid......" bla bla bla. I don't mind it here and there, but when they get into full swing, I feel like I'm stuck in an episode of "Everybody loves Raymond" or some other show where the mother and son have that kind of relationship.  (Ok, she's not as bad as Marie......but still.)
So, if there are a ton of blogs between now and when I have the baby, at least you will know why.

Moving on...
Our plans for what is going to happen with our son have become fluid, to the point that they are changing almost daily. Having someone else here to help deal with him, who doesn't mind if they witness the birth or not is extremely helpful. I've already decided that I don't mind if he sees the baby be born. It's not going to be how it was at the hospital, with a birds eye view of my crotch under a bright light and the baby crowning. If I have the baby in the pool, it's just going to be me (hopefully) making what I've been telling him, my funny face and then lifting the baby out of the water when it is born. That I have no problem with him seeing. In fact I think it might be interesting to see how he retells it later. My dad filmed mine and my brothers births. I always told everyone I was born in a movie. So, I'm envisioning my son telling people that mommy pulled his little brother/sister out of a pool. Which is all he needs to know.
My husband and I have also talked about how we want to record the birth. I might feel differently about this later, but at the moment I was thinking snippets of moments here and there until I'm actually having the baby. Then I really want to have the camcorder propped up somewhere and just recording the whole thing. With my sons birth, there are snippets through the day, then there is me right before he is born when we were going to start pushing and afterward when he was born.  Not that I really wanted to see me in my bright lit glory having my son, but I would of liked to have had some recordings of what he looked like after he was born. When they took him over and were cleaning him up, etc. Things I didn't get to see because of where I was.
I do know that I want lots of pictures afterward, that way I have plenty to pick from. It's hard to think about this stuff when you are in the moment, but these are moments that don't stay for long and memory can be as kind as it is cruel.

Onto to my quote for the moment:
Everyone says I'm waddling real good, I just tell them "it's hard to walk with a head stuck in your crotch. "

Ode to my father

My parents finally watched the "Business of Being Born" earlier this week.  Which I had given them about a month ago for them to watch, but hey being semi-retired doesn't mean you aren't busy.  My mom knew a lot about what they talked about in the movie, having been a Le Leache League Leader for years. She had watched movies and read articles that all stated what they talked about in the movie. Some of it was shocking to her though, because she stopped being a leader when I was 12, so being pulled up to date on some things was a shock. She said she enjoyed seeing Michel Odent (author of 'Childbirth without Fear') talk, because that was the first book that she read and really really enjoyed.  More than anything though, we talked about the main midwife (Cara Muhlahan) and how cool she seemed. It was funny that we talked about the segment of the movie where she was sharing her birth video and how she had her hair done up in this funny braid thing on top of her head. Also how she had such a hard first birth, yelling at everyone, crying in the bathtub, and my favorite quote "You wait here, I'm going to walk to the hospital and have the baby."  My mom expressed her frustration with how the director wasn't breastfeeding her son at the final end, even though she was attempting to after he was born. She has a 'No Guts, No Glory' view on breastfeeding after helping so many women who had inverted nipples, babies with cleft lips, and all sorts of problems nurse their newborns and have them go on to nurse for a year or more. I'm with her on that, but I guess I'm a bit more easy going about that. She'll learn how wonderful nursing is if she has more kids.

What was really shocked me was that after they had watched it that night, my dad called me.  He told me how he was shocked about the statistics on birth in the US, about the things they did to women around the time when he was born, and how things have become so much so about money that they are willing to put women and babies at risk.  More than anything, it made him think about his own birth and how different his childhood might of been.
My dad is the first surviving baby of my German-immigrant grandparents, who escaped Germany at the tail end of WWII.  My Oma, had a still born son before my dad. She became pregnant again six months later with my dad and my dad was a preemie who was born breech.  My Oma had been very sick during her pregnancy with him and she probably had the "normal" birth at the time, being completely high on drugs or perhaps even being knocked out completely while my dad was being born.  She didn't get to hold him until two weeks later. She only saw him through the glass window at the nursery. She says that all the nurses were always telling her how beautiful her son was, etc, but she didn't believe them. She thought my dad had died too and that they were just telling her that to save her from the awful truth. They had completely and totally missed the crucial bonding period after birth. Then after that long, to my Oma, emotionally and hormonally, my dad was dead. She hadn't held him, didn't know what color his eyes or hair was, didn't know how his cry sounded or what he smelled like. Same with my dad, he only knew the menagerie of nurses dressed in white, probably with masks over their mouths, that changed him, fed him, and rocked him to sleep. There was no bonding between mother and child. This also completely canceled out any chance of reforming a bond with breastfeeding, because at that time, you were putting your baby in danger by breastfeeding. Moms were told that their baby would die by the time their milk came in. So, my father was bottle fed. Any chance of a real chemical bond between him and my Oma was gone.
To make matters worse, my Opa was a raging alcholic when he was younger, due to the horrors that he witnessed while he was in the 'Hitler Jungen' in Germany, before he ran away.  He relived nightmares and had a horrible temper. He still drinks today, but he doesn't rage, he just passes out.  So, needless to say my poor father was also on the receiving end of the rages. My dad was beaten, yelled at, and abused his whole childhood.  The sad part (and this is mostly in theory because neither of my grandparents will admit to it) is that because my Oma felt no real bond, beyond 'he is my son', she rarely put herself in between them. My dad has clear memories of my Oma acting coldly towards him when he had an injury or just needed to be held, as children do. He was forced to grow up quickly and alone.

This being known, the part of the movie where they touched on how all these medical interventions that involve chemicals or drugs that mimic or block the bonding hormone, hit home with him. This was the reason why, when my parents had me, my dad wanted my mom to breastfeed, for both my brother and I to sleep in their bed and why he carried us around in baby carriers tucked in under his jacket. Because he was denied so much love and comfort as a child, he went as far as he could to put that love and comfort into his childrens lives. Seeing him holding my son after he was born, made me realize how much my dad needed to be loved like that when he was a baby. How the simple act of being allowed to fall asleep on his parents shoulder or chest, was never granted to him.

In fact looking at all of my aunts and uncles, they all exhibit this trait. At our most recent get together, I watched my uncle hold his baby nephew while he was crying, it didn't matter that he was screaming at the top of his lungs.
My mom has noticed this about my dads family, that the older siblings all display deep protect and comfort traits. That with their own children, the way they comfort them, it's almost as though they are trying to comfort the crying child within them, that was never comforted.

During her studies in the LLL, my mom came across something that described my Oma to a T with her experiences in childbirthing. She never got over the fact that my dad lived. She actually told me Oma this and my mom told me that by the look that she was given after saying it, she knew she had hit the nail on the head. They've never talked openly about my Oma's births, she did have miscarriages and I think one more stillborn between her kids. But, because of when my grandparents were raised, these were things you didn't talk about. Like sex, you just didn't talk about it. You found out on your wedding night and that was that.

I am glad that my parents found each other and that even though they were both damaged goods, they were able to get passed their past and focus on improving and raising their children the way they wished the had been raised. It is because of their love that my brother and I have never been afraid to be who we are. That we aren't trying to live up to the standard set and expected from us. There is a real bond between us and that is how it should be between parents and children. It is one thing to say "That is my son", but it is a completely different world to feel so strongly about that sentence as to willing throw yourself in front of a truck for them.
That is the simple feeling that is at risk with medical interventions. Not every mom will have this problem, but the question is...................Is it worth the Risk?

quick blurb on "One Born Every Minute"

Had to put this in here. To those of you who have cable (I don't) you probably have 'Lifetime' and have probably seen ads for the new birth show "One Born Every Minute". This show, with their first episode, have created a flurry of angry, frustrated, reactions in the natural birthing world.  Since I don't have cable I went to the website and watched the episode to see what the fuss was about. Mind you, I don't watch these shows anymore and for a good reason. I watched "A baby story" when I was a teen, not all the time, but if it was on I would watch it. Which if you are a teen, I really don't suggest watching these shows, because they can just make you afraid and form opinions for you as to how birth is. When really birth is/can be nothing like what is portrayed.

The first episode told the story of three women, two second births and one first time.

The hospital that it was filmed at reminded me a lot of where my son was born.  A hospital that touts a high epidural rate and claims that they are there for the comfort of the moms and protecting the babies. A nice hospital, but not the best place to go natural.   Watching the women on it, I organized them each into their niche in birthing. 

First: there was the 'Doctor Favorite': the mom who comes in, her labor is progressing normal, she doesn't put up a fight over interventions and has her baby within the allotted "Time Slot" that birth is supposed to take place in. I know many moms like her, who just go in and go along with whatever the nurses and doctors say to do. They have a "happy" birth experience and think nothing else of it. I have nothing against them, I'm happy they had their perfect birth, that nothing went wrong, and that they are happy and healthy.  Kudos to them, it's just not for me.


Second: the 'Medical Emergency' (the reason not every women needs intervention):  I felt sooooooooooo bad for this poor woman.  She was progressing fine naturally and was in severe need of a doula, nurse, or family member to step up and help her through the final stage of her labor. From how her legs were twitching and dancing, I personally think she was having back labor and it was completely disorienting her and making her lose her focus.  Of course the staff recommended the epidural and pit to help with the end of her labor. After that, it just snowballed. The pit made the contractions too much for her baby, his heart rate dropped and she had to have an emergency c-section.  I felt so so so so sad for her. This is a mom who didn't want a c-section, who had to have one because she didn't have good support during her birth.  Just because her mom and husband were there, doesn't mean they were supportive. (STOP EATING YOUR FRIGGIN' CHEESE DOODLES AND HELP YOUR DAUGHTER!!!")

Third: the 'Natural Couple', an almost unnatural ending:  Kudos to them. Her husband and Doula were doing everything right. Helping her vocalize, moving her around and being completely active participates in her labor. Yes, it's not comfortable for others to listen to a woman in labor vocalize, but oh well, they aren't in labor.  The nurse in charge was nice, but had a hard time with anything not in the procedure handbook. (You don't need to be checked every hour and the risk of infection is increased because of the checking. Vagina's aren't vacumes!)  I felt bad that they ended up having the pit in order to finish birthing, but that's what happens at a un-natural birth hospital. 
I do however understand why they were birthing in a hospital and not at home. The same reason I did with my son, first child, just in case something does go wrong, never done this before, etc. Her being in her thirties and him in his forties, may also have had something to do with it. I don't know, just going on what I saw.

What really, really irritated me was the music. They had calm, normal music playing with the doctors favorite, dramatic music playing with the emergency intervention, and that 'bum bum'  corny music playing with the natural couple. They TOTALLY used that to help avert the feelings of the viewer emotionally to go along with the commentary and helped the viewer form opinions based on that.  Very irritating.  Hence the reason why I never watch these shows.

See for yourself:  One Born Every Minute: To Medicate or Not: that is the question

Read what really happened during the natural couples labor from the view of the mom: Interview with Susan: The "Natural" childbirth mom from OBEM

countdown, a sense of loss, and new ped.

Since my last entry we have finished getting everything for the birth, well almost, after this afternoon we will have absolutely everything. My husband took our son out to get a lead free garden hose and fish net, but that should be IT for supplies. I spent some time yesterday making postpartum pads for after the birth and froze them.  I did some using only gauze and some using the actual pads I'm planning on using afterward.  I also went out yesterday for two reason, first I had my prenatal visit with out new pediatricians. (All Smiles Here!!) and then I stopped at my favorite natural store to buy the supplies for the pads and some teas to drink after the birth to help with bleeding and cramping.  Made the mistake of stopping at the new "Fresh Market" first, just to see if they had what I needed there since it was closer via the route I was taking back in from the doctors office.  Ended up spending $25 on stuff that I didn't really need, but was going to need eventually.
Lesson One: don't shop when you are in full nesting mode. You will buy things you know you are going to need, but don't need right now, but will buy anyway because you know you are going to need them, even though there are other things you REALLY need to buy first.
After lunch, we went out and stocked up on food that is easy to prepare, mostly box mixes like hamburger helper, rice sides, etc. Things we don't normally buy, but since I won't be in any mood to cook and will probably have family here, hopefully between them and my husband, they will be able to cook without blowing up the kitchen.  From here on, we should only have to make "WE HAVE NO MILK!!" runs out to Stewarts, which is right down the road. The kind of grocery runs you can trust your husband to go out and not come home with everything else BUT what you sent him out for.  (My husbands actually really good about getting things that are on a list, my dad on the other hand is where I get my jokes from.)

In sad news, my absolute favorite parenting magazine "Mothering" is no longer going to be in print. They are turning into a web only magazine. Which makes me so extremely sad. I've saved every edition I've gotten since subscribing and am very glad that I did. It makes me so frustrated that other parenting magazines, that are mostly ads and useless dribble have finally put out a magazine that fills your head with real, usable knowledge. Things that make you think, rather than tell you what to think.  I feel such a sense of loss here. I will be going to the site more often to read the articles and get the yummy recipes they post, but it just won't be the same. Having something that doesn't have a diaper or formula ad on every other page, yelling out at you to buy their product, doesn't seem like much to ask. I guess the masses have chosen which kind of magazine they prefer to subscribe to and read.

That aside, I have to talk about our new pediatricians.  I only met one of them yesterday, but if they are both like that, then I think I have found doctor heaven. The office was very friendly and comfortable feeling. The staff was nice at the reception window, which I have to say scared me for a few minutes because at our old one, the staff was very nice, but the doctor wasn't.  The patient room I was in was decorated very fun with safari animals. The doctor was very nice and I have to say that the sense of relief that filled me talking to her was wonderful. To hear a doctor say that they have a lot of patients who have home births and that they work with my midwives often, was music to my ears. Then to hear her say that they are very lenient on vaccines and that they have clients that choose not  to vaccinate, to follow different schedules, etc and that they are fine with that is great. It's just so nice knowing that I won't feel like I'm putting my kids in danger or that they think I'm just another radical parent who isn't thinking about the safety of my child, is relieving.  I can't wait to work with them for my son and our new baby.




Postpartum pad recipe:

You will need: liquid aloe vera (not the ointment, liquid), witch hazel, essential lavender oil (not the perfume), foil, heavy duty pads or gauze.

On each pad/gauze put

1 tbsp witch hazel
1/2 tbsp aloe vera
1/4 tsp lavender oil

wrap in foil and freeze. use as needed.  (taken from Mothering Magazine.)
You can also fill a small spray bottle with these to make a spray for your sensitve spots if you don't like the idea of using pads or need more soothing.

Fill the bottle half with water and then add the list of ingredients above,
shake well before each use.  Use after you rinse off with your peri bottle and have patted dry.



Postpartum tea recomendations

Female Toner tea (to help tone the muscles of the uterus)
Red Raspberry leaf tea (to help with cramping during your cycle and postpartum)

Both are by Yogi and Traditional Medicines, both are sold at Natural Food Stores, you can also buy them in bulk at Jeans Greens.  They are under different names, but you just have to look at the ingredient list to find the right one.